how we're doing (part four)
Here we go with part four of an on-going series on my blog of pieces informed by responses to polls and questions asked on my Instagram.
Nearly 200 people came together (virtually of course) and answered 38 questions to make this piece possible. As always, I am grateful for everyone’s participation in and ongoing support for this project. I am, time and time again, left feeling humbled and grateful for everyone’s willingness to lean into these questions and to share honestly and vulnerably.
I’m keeping this intro short because this piece is a long one. What follows has left me feeling reflective and challenged in new ways and I hope it does the same for at least some of you.
Thank you for reading and thank you, to everyone who helped make this piece possible, for sharing.
More or less we are hanging in there. The words “eh” or “alright” seem appropriate. I think for many of us, and I know for myself, that the weight of how long we’ve been living socially distanced, with such uncertainty and with so few answers is just starting to feel really heavy.
63% of us called our quarantine environment tough at times.
Our mental health, for 45% of us, could be better.
This moment is hard. I don’t say that to complain and I know that saying that doesn’t change anything. I say that because it’s the truth and it’s okay, and sometimes helpful, to say the truth, however seemingly pointless it may feel, out loud.
However tough things feel right now though, we’ve still heard some good news recently:
My sister got an internship!
Got into UChicago Law!! Ranked #4 in the country
Worked out 4 weekdays and had wine and cheeeeeeese on Friday
Not really good news but Dr. Fauci throwing the first pitch for MLB opening night! Good vibes
Taylor Swift’s new album coming out and how amazing it is
My sister was accepted to her top choice grad school program!
Saw a couple get engaged!!
CT is doing one of the best jobs handling COVID-19 of all states
My former high school has chosen remote learning for fall. Hoping other schools follow!
988 suicide prevention hotline has been approved
Getting into grad school!
And, there are still things to feel grateful for:
My home friends! And the time I’ve been able to spend with them lately
My body
A supportive family who will help me in the transition to a new school
Family
My mom
My extended family who I’m finally getting to see
The support of my family and friends even while being so far away from home
Friends who check in on me
My friends
My health
My curious and playful toddler
Books and my dogs :)
Being able to spend time with family
When I was thinking about some of the big ideas I wanted to be sure to check-in about this time around, I knew pretty immediately that I wanted to do a follow-up on something we talked about in the second installment of this series: jobs and internships.
I want to preface this section of the piece with the same thought I prefaced those questions with.
Over two-thirds (69%) of us feel some level of stress or anxiety about how COVID-19 has impacted and continues to impact us professionally. I am included in that 69%. It is a scary time to be a young professional. There are so many question marks about the security of current employment and the possibility of future employment – questions we have no choice but to accept we potentially won’t get answers to for awhile. That, at least to 69% of us, is scary.
And so what Jacqueline Whitney shared is as much a reminder to me as it is to anyone else in that 69% who is scared right now. We will get to where we need to be. I have to keep reminding myself of that. We have to keep reminding each other. We will land on our feet. We will figure it out. And as frustrating, disappointing, and often seemingly unfair as it is that we’ve been thrown a curveball so early on in, perhaps even at the very start of, our professional lives, we will, in time, get to where we need (and maybe more importantly, where we want and deserve) to be.
56% feel like they have a solid professional plan (whether that’s an internship, job, fellowship, or just a general feeling like they know what their next step is). This is an increase from early May.
Within that 56%, most are currently working. Some will start in the fall. And a few will start in the winter. The majority (60%) haven’t started to consider transitioning out of WFH (as an aside, every time I type WFH I always accidentally type WFM first. Whole Foods Market, apparently, you’re on my mind).
For some of us (47%), the past two months have brought (at least some) clarity.
Maybe in that period you’ve secured a job or internship. Some people shared that the past few months have:
Given me time to explore what my next steps include
Learned a lot of new skills (mainly coding) and it’s made me realize how much I love it! I’m seriously considering pursuing it as a career now!
Led to me getting an unexpected research position that has directed my ideas about what I want to do
To everyone who has experienced a win, big or small, or taken a step forward in their career or towards their passion in the past few months: congratulations. I hope you are so proud.
I want to share three poignant reflections that were shared with me about what it feels like to have or not have a job right now:
My internship fell thru, so I feel like I’m falling behind on knowledge I need for the future
Probably pretty common but [it’s tough] competing with people who have 10+ years of experience for an entry level job!
I was able to handle the disappointment in being let go at first because it is/was happening to everyone but now as it is continuing it is taking a bigger toll on my mental health
While these are the experiences of three individual people, I imagine that others of us might relate. Certainly, there are aspects of each of these experiences that feel true for me.
I wish I knew what the right words were to help us navigate these frustrations and this pain. If there were magic comfort words for these feelings I wish they would come to me. But I don’t know if those exist.
So all I can say for now, to all my brilliant friends feeling a bit like Phoebe right now, is that I trust that you are resilient and that we are a resilient bunch. Like I’ve mentioned, I have to keep reminding myself and we need to keep reminding each other that it will be okay and that we will end up where we are supposed to be. Eventually, there will be more than a “pla”. There will be a plan.
And until then, I hope that there is some comfort found in these polls or that it least helped to say what’s hard right now out loud. I hope you can feel us standing with you, rooting for you.
A feelings check-in.
Since we last checked-in about two months ago our feelings have fluctuated in ways that I think are potentially contradictory but definitely honest.
Things (outside of COVID-19 – we will get into that soon) that leave us feeling a bit more fearful, more confused, less safe, and less hopeful:
It makes me less hopeful when looking at other countries who have responded so well compared to the US which is still seeing such high numbers of cases 4 months later
The president’s actions (related and not-related to COVID-19)
Terrified by what’s happening in Portland – very fearful for our country’s future
Where we’re finding joy, inspiration, and connection right now:
Being in Tahoe has made such a huge difference!! Going out on hikes and exploring makes me feel so much less stuck and lonely
Books
The outdoors!
My family! Being together for a few weeks has allowed us to be more optimistic as a group
Art
The big question (more accurately: the 13 big questions) this time around had to do with COVID-19 (more specifically: how we’re holding up as we head into (roughly) month five of social restrictions and if/how we continue to hold ourselves accountable for doing our part to keep our communities safe). On average, these answers saw 50% more participation than the other 25 – so it is clear we are an opinionated bunch.
I just have one note before we start this section. This note is true for every question I ask but it feels particularly important to mention it as the preface to this section:
As I’ve mentioned many times, I am continuously blown away by the honesty and vulnerability that is shared with me through these polls. It is humbling to be trusted with these answers. Obviously, when these answers come into me they are not anonymous – they are kept anonymous here of course but when gathering this data (if you will) I can see who has added what. As much as I can, when I’m collecting all the answers and putting these pieces together, I do my very best to look at raw numbers and take-in the written answers without thinking twice about who they came from. I say that not because I am not grateful for your individual participation and nuanced insight, but because I want to be clear that I do not hold any judgement based on your answers, even if I may see things differently.
What became clear in a few conversations I had last week is that this set of questions in particular made some people nervous to answer. It feels like everyone (including myself) has pretty strong opinions about what is or isn’t “okay” or “right” to be doing right now. This conversation is often a very polarizing one and, admittedly, I did not help that by making these polls have only two options. I definitely have my own opinions about what I feel comfortable doing right now and the standard I hope my own community holds itself to. Like you all, I have my own answers to each of the questions I have asked since we started doing this in April. But this series has never been just about me (I hope that has felt true). This series has and will continue to be about us. And so I want to thank you all for you honest participation and trust. You’ve all made this conversation – one that seems increasingly political, polarizing, scary and uncomfortable to have – possible. Thank you.
Now let’s get to the numbers.
Even with restaurants open or opening, 74% of us are sticking to take out.
Note: Many of the 26% who were down to sit at a restaurant reached out to clarify that this was only for outdoor dining. We seem largely hesitant, if not opposed, to indoor dining.
Suns out but are we? 53% of us are grabbing our sunscreen and headed to the beach.
Spending time with friends and family? 95% of us are keeping these gatherings strictly outside and 99% agree on keeping it intimate. No big bashes this year.
Not anytime soon. 95% of us are skipping the mall and sticking to online shopping for now.
92% of us don’t feel comfortable going for a drive with people other than who we are living with.
What about travel?
24% of us are comfortable with non-essential travel. 18% of us would hop on a plane and 82% of us are sticking to road trips.
Some notes that came up with this question:
Some travel isn’t technically “essential” but does not feel altogether optional. It’s hard to be more specific here without compromising the anonymity of who shared this with me (and I will say that I fully support their decision to travel in their circumstance) but it does feel like an important question for each of us to consider: Is there a difference between travel that is non-essential and travel that is optional? Where is the line?
This is a really hard question if you do not live with or close to family
How you go about traveling right now seems like the more important consideration. If you are choosing to travel now (essential and non-essential travel) it is important that you are fully quarantining before and after your trip
Back to school?
80% of us think schools should stay closed this fall. Here’s what some of us had to say about it:
I do not think K-12 should open because children are less likely to social distance/wear masks but colleges with the option to attend class virtually or for profs to teach virtually should.
They’re reopening due to pressure and will be online within a month! AT WHAT COST
Yes, for the sake of education being available at the highest level of quality, but it’s also complicated
I’m super in the middle on this because I need to leave my house but who’s to say. I don’t think K-12 should open as “normal” and colleges should remain liable
There are tons of kids who can’t learn at home but there should be an at home option
Schools aren’t allocated enough money to really do this safely across the board
I feel like starting online should happen and then eventually work back to in person
Schools shouldn’t open because it is better to be safe than sorry! Especially since you cannot manage who is leaving
Here’s what a few teachers shared:
As a teacher I have no choice!! Definitely doesn’t feel safe yet
Feel too torn for it to be yes or no! My school that I teach at is returning using a hybrid model
I’m a teacher and its completely leaving me panicked to have to navigate
COVID-19 has complicated our lives in so many ways and the question on if/when to re-open schools is one of these complications, to say the very least. I urge everyone, including and maybe especially my post-grad peers, to stay informed on this debate and these decisions. Whatever decision schools make will have a significant impact on our society. Just because we are “done with school” does not mean that we are not and should not be invested in this conversation.
A more general pulse on how we’re feeling:
90% of us don’t feel like people are still taking COVID-19 seriously.
The ways our communities are responding to COVID-19 make 54% of us feel unsafe.
77% of us don’t feel like we’ve made much progress. Many noted that this question felt regional (ex. that NYC has made progress but Florida maybe not so much). We all seem pretty on board with the idea that nationally we need to do better.
To me at least, this seems like a pretty grim report.
I want to keep my reflections here brief (if possible) to give you all the space to sit with the above numbers yourselves and draw your own conclusions. What I will share is the following (informed also by some private messages + elaborations sent to me last week) …
I don’t think it is a realistic expectation for everyone to stay in complete lockdown in their houses. I do think it is realistic and important for us to make significant adjustments to our life and socializing.
A lot of people noted that their decisions to do certain things or go certain places is based on many ever-changing variables. For example, the decision to go to a restaurant might change based on which specific restaurant it is, the time of day, who you are going with, etc. Some restaurants, for valid reasons, feel safer than others.
I also understand that for many, though I’m going to be so bold as to say for all, of us, quarantining takes a toll on our mental health and some degree of safe, distant socializing is often needed.
So again, I don’t think it is necessarily realistic for everyone to stay completely in lockdown and I won’t tell anyone they can’t see their friend. But I want to remind everyone that the pandemic doesn’t end when we get bored. If do we choose to leave our homes, we need to be thoughtful and careful about how we’re behaving. There are some things we cannot do anymore and it sucks. And it will probably suck for a long time. But I think we just need to accept that and get over it. There are still safe ways to see people (distanced, outside, masked) and as long as we are enjoying warm weather I think we should and can be grateful for that possibility.
I want to share a worry that was shared with me last week:
Many people base decisions on what’s open and not what’s safe – that worries me
As we continue to navigate ever-changing and state-dependent social restrictions and as things start to or remain re-opened, I hope we remember the agency we have to decide for ourselves what to do and what not to do. Just because something is open does not mean you have to go. Not everything that is open or allowed is safe. It is the responsibility of each and every one of us to make thoughtful decisions about what to do and how to do it to keep each other safe.
OK. I could fill an entire blog piece (and maybe one of these days I will) with my thoughts on this topic but, like I mentioned at the top of this section, this series was never meant to be about me. This is a complicated conversation that the above only barely scratched the surface of. I hope that if you’re reading you take the time to sit with the above polls. The majority of us don’t feel safe right now. And it is easy to point the finger at someone else, to blame someone “over there” who “isn’t doing what they should be doing right now”. But I think it remains important for us to continuously be asking ourselves if we are continuing to be strict with ourselves. How can we and must we continue to adjust our behavior for the safety of our community?
Words to describe how we’ve been feeling lately: insecure, suspended, loved, saturated, alone, overwhelmed, uncertain, anxious, drained, preoccupied, tired, defeated, frustrated, human, blah, worn.
Honestly, yeah. I don’t know if anyone else felt this way while reading, but I know when I was putting this piece together it felt heavier. I feel more exhaustion in this piece.
But I do want to end on a more positive note. And because I find the ways the we continue to explore and care for ourselves inspiring, here is some parting advice, from this community to you:
Stay curious. Resources that have taught us something recently:
Dear White People (on Netflix)
Expecting Amy (HBO)
When They See Us (Netflix)
Beloved by Toni Morrison
The Residence by Kate Anderson Brower
White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo
Pod Save America
A shameless plug to explore this resource guide
Something we did for ourselves this week:
Started a new book
Meditated and stretched
Met with a new therapist
Drove around at night and jammed to Taylor Swift
Get up early to give myself structured sleep/wake times and better workdays
Yoga :)
Therapy. Best self-care ever!
Ate a warm brownie with lots of ice cream on it and watch my favorite TV show
To say 2020 has been hard is an understatement. I know, because I see it in these polls every month and because I experience it myself, that life feels frustrating and discouraging and draining and all the other words you all shared lately. I hope, sincerely, that this series is a reminder that, in the least cheesy way possible, at least we are in it together. I am grateful that this is something we started and continue to do together. I hope it is a comforting feeling to see that you are not the only one feeling a certain way. I hope also that there are moments in reading this piece that remind you of good news. I hope we read this and are reminded of how we continue to learn, grow, care for each other, care for ourselves, and accomplish great, impressive things. It’s my wish that there is some hope here.
In solidarity. xo.