pulse: october
And we’re back! Maybe you noticed that I’ve strayed from the original “how we’re doing” title for this piece. As I think about the future of these kinds of check-ins and my hopes for making this series sustainable beyond a pandemic, I’ve decided to give it a proper name: pulse. I thought about “the pulse” for a while but “the” felt dramatic in a way I hope these pieces don’t. Nevertheless, the pieces do take a pulse – a measurement of how we’re holding up.
I’ll be honest. My heart breaks a little bit in this one. This one feels raw and a little discouraged in deeper ways than before. After the first round of polls in March I wrote that I thought we were a complicated mix of scared and hopeful. Six months later, that still feels true.
1 word to describe this week: tiring, exhausting, exhausted but the good kind, hectic, a rollercoaster, a lot, chaotic, draining, busy, blurry, stressed/stressful, disorienting, impatient, long, behind, horrible, tough, messy, unproductive, belittling, midterms, motivated, happy, hopeful, cozy, healing, growth, exciting, neutral, boring, ordinary, slow, same
So you see what I mean. We’re still a complicated mix.
For some of us, this year has felt like it has passed in a flash. For others, this year has felt like 3 or 5 or 9 or a decade or 34 years, or, simply, very, very long, perhaps even too long. Sometimes, it feels as though this year will never end. Personally, and I know others feel the same, this year has felt both immeasurably short and long. It feels like March was yesterday and also a lifetime ago. It feels like life is both on pause and zooming by (pun intended).
And so I thought it might be interesting to think back to the spring, to March 13th (which, in my opinion, will never be just another day again), to the early (dark) days of quarantine. How do we remember those days? How do we continue to carry the weight of March and April with us, even now?
Even as the distance between the start of quarantine and today grows, there are certain things that will always serve as a sort of time capsule – reminding us of those early days of the pandemic.
Baking bread
Sourdough
Banana bread
Tiger King
Schitt’s Creek
“March”
Zoom parties, Zoom happy hour, Zoom for social reasons, Zoom, Epic rainstorms while on zoom class
Confusion, unknown, uncertainty and conflict
Puzzles
Whipped coffee
TikTok songs, TikTok, certain TikTok trends, when TikTok was just little dances
Specific songs
Family time
Being bored
Lots of time indoors
Daily neighborhood walks
Chloe Ting & YouTube workout classes
My wardrobe of sweats, movies with my family, the “anniversary” of going home, chaos & quiet
The novelty of it, it was almost fun
Puppy kisses
Sims 4
How scared people were to go to any public place (shops, grocery stores, appointments)
Movies
Working from home, sadly
The top bunk of my bed where I basically lived for the first 3 months of quarantine/isolation
Tie dye
Thinking it wouldn’t last too long
My college friends all together
Those stupid Instagram story chains lol
Deserted streets, board games, and ordering in
Uncertainty and conflict
Being more concerned with hand sanitizer than masks
55% of us kinda miss those early days of quarantine.
I go back and forth. Sometimes I miss it. But I don’t miss it because I miss whipped coffee or Tiger King. I miss it because 73% of us agree we were being more intentional about community back then. I miss it because it felt like it might be short-lived. And now, for 61% of us, this feels like a new normal.
I have complicated feelings about calling this life a “new normal”. I think there’s risk. 84% of us think there’s risk. I worry that calling this a “new normal” might let us get too comfortable, that we might accept this as the best we can do. Especially as case numbers continue to spike in the U.S. we can’t become numb to the reality of the pandemic. I worry that if we start to think of this as “normal” that we will de-sensitize ourselves to the loss, pain, and grief of this moment. Here’s what other people had to say about a “new normal”:
Honestly I just find the term super irritating
Dislike! So dependent on socioeconomic class
I think it is pessimistic. Makes me feel less hopeful about the future
It’s going to be this way for at least another few years, regardless of a vaccine, our old normal is not coming back so it feels accurate to be the new normal now
To me, new normal means constant adjustment … it feels more like accepting that the ground will never be quite steady, but we’ll survive
Things can change really fast so it feels hard to commit to the term
I personally like the “new normal” as it resembles a more communal culture
I would say it’s accurate but not at all comforting
There is nothing normal about a pandemic. A lack of federal leadership has made it worse.
I think it’s a phase. It’s normal for now but I don’t think it will be forever
It’s the new normal for now! Not forever
It’s discouraging in that we may never go back to normal normal
I don’t want to accept that this normal will be the new normal … I like to think that eventually things will go back to the “old normal”
I feel like the “new normal” is a consequence of harmful politics – it was a choice
Hate it. Disease is as old as time but a society that accepts needless death needs to go
It’s frustrating and disappointing but probably true, but also subject to change
I don’t think we have reached the new normal yet
It makes it sound like we will never get back to the old normal which makes me sad
My fear is that people have become complacent about the “new normal” as if this is the best we can expect. And I really don’t like that because obviously we can do better!!
New normal in that we have to wear masks!! It’s a given
Normal should be broken. A normal can be harmful especially if it ignores some bodies
Depressing but realistic and good language to motivate myself to keep a routine
On the day polled, 58% of us felt like our mental health was in a pretty good place. I know this is just a pulse for that one day, but I will note that that is the highest that number has been in this series ever. That number felt encouraging. But, like I’ve said, we’re complicated. And the following is less encouraging.
What feels heavy lately?
Lack of community
Feeling stuck at school and being away from my family & support system
A lot of it has been watching people younger back in school and older in cities … I feel stuck
Besides the pandemic, I’m currently reading a book about the climate crisis and oil mining and fracking in the American West. Reading that, along with the crazy hot temps in CA right now is giving me a lot of existential dread about the climate
Candidly? My heart broke a little a bit after this day of polls. These polls weren’t surprising. I myself feel a lot of the increased loneliness and discouragement that is reflected here. But something about seeing it all together hit me hard. At least to me, this seemed like a slap in the face that the weight of 2020 feels really heavy, for most if not all of us. I can’t take the weight away. But I hope it is at least comforting to know that you are not the only one who feels it right now.
This next little section I’m just kind of throwing in here. I asked these questions more out of curiosity than I did thinking they might say something larger about this moment. That said, and at the risk of sounding like a high school English teacher digging for meaning in a sentence that might just mean exactly what it says, I do think there are interesting things to think about here.
72% of us wish we were better at saying no.
According to 75% of us, saying no has been easier (than saying yes) this year.
56% of us wish we were better at trying new things.
According to 52% of us, trying new things has been easier (than sticking with things) this year.
61% of us wish we were better at making time for ourselves.
I think it’s safe to say we’ve all had a little more alone time this year.
71% of us wish we were better at being spontaneous.
A majority (53%) of us still think spontaneity is possible in 2020.
What I’ll offer here is this … many people (including myself) have felt like life has been on pause this year. Every time I’ve asked over the past few months, a large majority of people say they feel stuck. In many ways it has felt hard to feel like we’re moving forward. And maybe that’s somewhat true. Maybe we are not making the kind of progress or moving at the same speed we thought we would this year. But it seems like, if we truly are people who wish we were better at saying no, trying new things, and making time for ourselves AND if those things have felt easier this year (which a majority says they have) then we can and should consider that a kind of progress. If we truly are people who wish we were better at being spontaneous and we still believe (which a majority does) that that’s possible this year, then we can and should push ourselves to do so.
I guess I just want us to think about this for a moment. According to the answers above, the things we wish we were better at have felt easier and still possible this year. And in a year where so much feels harder and not possible, I think that is pretty special.
A little break to share some happy moments from the recent past.
Something you smiled about recently:
My friend’s puppy, Seeing my dogs, Dogs!
My granny admitting she wants a bellybutton ring
The Good Place
My friends and boyfriend
My friends making me feel loved on my birthday
A card my dad sent me, lifting my spirits
Hugging my best friend yesterday
Fall
Supporting small businesses online
Playing volleyball with my roommates outside
Pancakes on Sunday
Something you’ve felt proud of recently:
A new project at work
Made it through the first stressful week of midterms
Getting hired
I went back to therapy
Getting a good grade on a paper I was worried about
Getting into business school
Running a 10K!
How consistent I’ve been with finding time to workout aside from team workouts. It’s really helped me clear my head and start neutral minded rather than in a negative mindset
The people I’ve surrounded myself with
I am learning a lot about myself, and what I need
A new job!
Medical school interview
A promotion!
Something you did for you recently:
Retail therapy
Finally went to the doctor
I bought a new bra and honestly that’s so exciting
Laid in bed and watched Harry Potter
Morning walks before work
Cleaned and redecorated my room
Went to bed early last night … for once!!
Cooked a beautiful fall vegetarian meal for me and my family unit
Bought a diffuser
Exercise
Bought wine
Went shopping downtown
Scheduled therapy
This piece, purposefully so, has been a lot about how far we’ve come, how we’ve changed, and how the weight of the year continues to fatigue us. I think it would be impossible for this year that has been bizarre, blurred, daunting, draining, heartbreaking, felt restless, and scary (to use only a few of the words people shared) to leave us un-altered.
73% of us feel like this year has fundamentally changed how we think of ourselves as optimists or pessimists. 75% of us feel more pessimistic. I think that unwavering optimism is harder for a lot of us now. There is a caution and an uncertainty in our step forward.
How we feel heading into late fall / early winter:
Apprehensive
Unsure
Nervous but cautiously optimistic
Nervous, excited, anxious, slightly freeing
Anxious
Nervous
Dread, fear, hope
Confused
Nervous for many big things. Excited about small things
Ready for cozy season
Cozy
Content
Chilly
Sad about the cold and short days but hopeful for what’s ahead
Exhausted
Tired
Fine right now but nervous for COVID-19 to worsen and very nervous for the election
Excited
Trapped
Nervous for dark
Nervous about my mental health
DREAD
Hopeful
Hopeful about new seasons personally and broader
Drained but motivated
In denial
Hopeful but anxious. Unsure what things will feel somewhat normal again
Sad (b/c I can’t have an east coast fall)
Scared, hoping for the best
I feel like I’m wishing time away (and I hate that) but I feel like I want to get my life started again
IDK a mix of fear and excitement truthfully. Such polar opposites
Dare I say (again) that it seems like we are a complicated mix of scared and hopeful heading into the winter?
I’ve thought a lot about how to conclude this piece. What are my parting words as we close out October, start November, and enter what might just be the heaviest, most chaotic week of the year? Here’s what I landed on…
Choose community. It is clear we are struggling. It is clear that the weight of the year is compounding. We are not meant to hold it alone. One of more humbling aspects of this series is how many people participate. Every time I start another round of polls I’m always a little nervous that no one will care to answer. Every time I am surprised. I’ve found that, if people are given the space and invitation to be part of something bigger then themselves, they normally choose to lean into it.
This year has been hard. It will, in all likelihood, continue to be hard. But when hope shows up, because hope does still show up, ask it to say. People find hope every day. There are things to look forward to & be hopeful about in every season:
Halloween movies with friends
Consistency
Christmas
Hopefully leaving for my fellowship at some point
DJT leaving the White House
Visiting friends (safely)
Fall foliage
Thanksgiving with my family! It’ll look very different but just can’t wait to just be with my immediate family
Thanksgiving
Apple picking
My sister’s wedding
Seeing family over the holidays outside
… until next time 🤍
in solidarity, with hope, xo.